slow night, so long

On my trip my girlfriend and I spent some time in Australia where life was lived in a very similar manner to our lives back here but during our time in Asia though we were exposed to cultures completely different than our own. While we were wandering around SE Asia, I used to talk about how everyone had a “hustle”. The little cart selling pancakes on the corner in the morning with the 9 year old girl squeezing orange juice, would start selling spring rolls at night, while doing laundry for tourists and renting motorbikes from first light to sun down. This was their life, every day a hustle to provide. Everyday we were surrounded by people that had few options, their lives consisted of surviving. The thing is, the happiness level of everyone seemed so much greater than here. Especially in Laos. Everyone smiled when smiled at and you genuinely felt welcome to be there. Even in a town full of drunk back packers, whose citizens would have every right to be unwelcoming, they held their proverbially arms wide open. It made Emma in particular think about the future and she has come to some self driven conclusions that ring so god damn true to me that it makes me proud to have her in my world. Those conclusions she came to on her own have really got me thinking the last few weeks. I have been motivated by her thoughts and have realized that we are so fucking blessed to live where we do that I need to stop squandering the biggest opportunity of all. Options.

I thought I had it all figured out before I left on my trip. What I wanted to do with my life, where I wanted to be when I get back and how I wanted to live when I got the chance. It turns out being back has led to a lot more questions than potential answers.

I have always been a fairly indecisive individual. Not usually on the mundane day to day decisions, but decisions on what I want to do with myself in the future have always been decisions never made in full. I have flip flopped on so many possible career options that I am almost embarrassed to tell anyone what I’ve decided to become that specific day. One part of my being realizes that I am not that old and have plenty of time and the other side says “get your shit together old man!” A lot of these decisions have been based not completely on potential happiness, but on potential security. As anyone that knows me well can attest to my love of all things easy. I have generally always taken the road most trampled throughout my life.

Now if you’ve read this ramble this far, you might ask “what the hell does this all have to do with anything??” 

When I left for my trip last September, I thought of it as a vacation. A getaway from my life here in the Lower Mainland. Some people go away to find themselves, some go away to lose themselves. I felt I had already done all that.  I went away for something to do. I never intended on it as being anything other than that. Even while I was away I kept telling myself and others the same thing. The fact is I am probably less certain of where my life is headed than before I left. And for once in that seems okay to me. 

You might be asking “Why write all this down?” This post represents the first step in trying to live my life in a better way.  It’s part cathartic and part an exercise. I have always been interested in writing, and sometimes feel like I have some talent with words, but have always been too lazy to take the steps. Not anymore. Now that doesn’t mean my goal is to become a writer or journalist, it just means that I am going to start making the effort to become a person I am proud to be, whatever I become or wherever I end up. I’m going to start taking some of options that I have been given and making the most of them.